Thoughts on Love, Sex, Addiction and Healing
Kelly McDaniel LPC, CSAT
LG&LJ: Tell us about your book. Why did you write it? What was the process like? What are you working on now?
KM: From the moment of its conception, Ready to Heal took on a life of its own. It possessed me and writing went fast…as if the words were dying to come into visibility. I had always wondered why no one had written this particular book. I suppose it was my job to do it.
For me, writing and publishing Ready to Heal has been another pregnancy. It took me 9 months to complete, but years to prepare for. Like becoming a mother, I had some idea of what I was about to do, but not really. The biggest shock has been the postpartum period. I’ve been so tired. My emotions have been intense and erratic. I have discovered parts of my limitations that I didn’t know I had. Like becoming a new mother, I’ve been euphoric at times, horribly insecure and afraid at times, and periodically I wonder what I’ve done to my life. Like having a child, my soul has been permanently altered by the process of writing this book and its publication. I can no longer “hide” as an author or as an expert. Like a new mother who learns she now has a greater responsibility to her child, I have a new awareness of being responsible to a community who desperately needs this information.
Like most mothers, I worry about not being good enough. Motherhood has a way to key into my unhealed shame places. The spiritual lightness that motherhood has brought to my life has not come without pain. I have known dark moments as a mother. Similarly, there are times I don’t feel adequate as an author or a spokesperson for women struggling with this addiction. The truth is I am learning my way into this process.
LG&LJ: What is love, sex, relationship and romance addiction? Do they all appear together? How does that work?
KM: Most importantly, love, sex, relationship, and romance addiction share a common process in the brain; a neurochemical reaction that raises “feel good” hormones. They are each a manifestation of arousal. As humans, we are wired for arousal and pleasure. The origin of the pleasure center in our brain is primarily about survival as it is tied to the drive to procreate. Humans need pleasure. We require it for a fulfilling life. When children do not receive necessary parenting, their brains become altered by fear, anxiety, and loneliness. As a result, the pleasure center in the brain is altered. It’s hungry.
One way a child can learn to “feel” better, to ease this hunger, is to stimulate herself or himself sexually, thereby releasing hormones into the body that soothe pain and fear. This is the beginning of a sexual attachment. Perhaps a fantasy of being rescued, or being a hero, accompanies the masturbation process. This is the beginning of a romance attachment. Maybe, a child is yearning for love and holds a favorite stuffed animal, blanket, or doll while self soothing and if this becomes compulsive (some adults still have their favorite childhood love substitute), a love attachment is born. I use the word attachment in each scenario because attachment is what the child is craving. It’s the primary need. Originally, this is not addictive. It is formative and necessary, and ideally, should have been with the caregiver(s). When caregivers are not safe attachment figures, the child will find something that is. Sadly, this substitute, which proves much more effective and trustworthy than people, becomes fertile territory for adult addiction. Essentially, the child bonds with a process of arousal…either with sex, romance, and/or love to replace the missing hormones in the pleasure center. Healthy, loving relationships are designed to provide these hormones. When they don’t, children and adults find something that will. (more…)